I wish I could remember more

I remember the night you tried to teach me how to whistle. I never could quite get it right but my attempts made you smile. I really liked making you smile.

I remember when I first had Pop Rocks. Sitting on my best friend's driveway, imagining all the things we were going to do together. The possibilities were endless. But then we ran out of Pop Rocks and I went back home. We still talk once in a while, but it's not the same.

I remember the summer when my lips turned blue. We were playing with the hose and I got too cold. I still can't figure out how it happened but it was then that I decided I wasn't meant to play with the other kids.

I remember him trying to teach my how to catch. It was hot and all I wanted to do was retreat back into the house where the A/C was roaring. I wish I didn't give up so soon and complain so much. That could have been a fonder memory.

I remember when I still liked blowing dandelions. Thinking maybe my wish really would come true. And on all those birthdays. I don't remember all the moments, but I do remember the hope inside, that hope that things would really change this time.

I remember him and her and the girl I used to sit by in choir. The creek where we used to go to play, and I would say I wasn't afraid, but I was and you knew, so you grabbed my hand and said let's go to the park instead. I remember what he said to me the day before he had to leave. It was simple and I still hear it every day but I'm terrified one day I will no longer remember.

That lonely balloon

For lack of inspiration I bring you now pictures that once inspired me:

Instructions

How to pass through life unnoticed:

It's trickier than you might think. The trick is to be average at everything. Don't excel at anything and don't be a trouble maker. In both extremes you will find yourself receiving attention, whether positive or negative. Don't look depressed or overexcited, simply have a pleasant face. You must remain neutral at all times. Don't feel anything, or at least, don't let them know that you do.

How to fall in love with a stranger:

Easy. Pick someone you find attractive and create a world inside of your mind in which the two of you belong together.

A conclusion.

I have come to the conclusion that life is to remain a mystery and that I will never truly understand why things are the way they are. I tried for such a long time to find the answers to all my questions but I have found that this only ends in terrible headaches and frustrated sighs. Because here's the thing about life: we're not meant to understand everything. There are simply some things that we aren't meant to understand and that's part of what makes life so wonderful. There's a beauty in the mystery. Not to mention it would be terribly boring to know everything. I'm trying this new thing where I enjoy everything life throws at me, the good and the bad, and make the most out of it. It's sometimes a struggle and I still get headaches and sigh but I think it's going to be a change for the better. We'll see.

Thoughts

My mind is constantly moving and I find that I'm losing control. It is constantly running at a pace that I can't keep up with and it is starting to become a serious problem. 

I've tried all those calming techniques they say will help and are good for you but all that happens when I'm doing those deep breathing exercises is think about how silly this is and how I should go and do some actual exercise and then my mind goes from there in a never ending mess of thoughts.

My mind continues to wander and question and all I want it to do is take a moment of silence. I just need some quiet. I need a break. But I know I'll never be released from this constant cognitive firing. It's just who I am and any attempt I try to escape is a joke.

I'm not going to stop thinking about that lie you keep repeating, or the people I've lost. I still think about that dog down the street who used to bark and run along with me as I drove by. And I can't help but think of those quiet seemingly meaningless moments that I have found now define me.

My mind will never be silent. It will continue screaming in a silly sort of madness and I will continue to try and untangle the mess it leaves behind.

Pt. 2

There is a women, she can't be trusted. It does feel wrong, but amid the bad, you love her. There's a reason you keep doing this maddening dance.

I was more disposable, indulging constantly. The joy used up.

ten lines consisting of six words.

I just don't know, you know?

A nap sounds good right now.

I think that I love you.
    I was lying and didn't care.

Remember me as I was before.

          The stars keep whispering to me.

There's something you need to know.

             Where do you want to eat?

  It sounded like a good idea.

For what it's worth, I'm sorry.

It's been known to happen

She kept saying that it wasn't anything, I'm fine, it's nothing. Over and over again, she kept repeating it. I'm fine, it's nothing. I'm fine, it's nothing. And I kept asking what it was exactly because it was expected of me and at the time I really did care. But after a while I grew tired of always asking the same things and getting the same answers. You can call me a terrible person, you would probably be right in saying that, but I held on as long as I could, I did. Whether you believe me or not, I tried to help her. But there comes a point where you need to let go and move on. My love is still freely given to her, I just no longer ask those questions and she no longer waits to be asked.

Clouds in the Sky

I remember when I wanted to shake mountains and make a change in the world. I wanted to stand out. I wanted to be that person people would stop to talk about. Not because I was the latest scandal but because I had done something meaningful and worthwhile. But here is the deepest secret nobody knows: 

I never actually wanted those things. When it comes down to it, I like sitting on the grass and watching the clouds roll across the sky too much. I'm content in the little meaningless moments of each day. And while at times I might feel my soul cry out for a change, it quiets down after a while and I go back to staring up at the sky.

I'm a void

Here's the thing.

I feel myself moving, but I don't find myself going anywhere. I know, it's a little cliche, but it's true. I'm surrounded by things and people and lists of things to do and I know I'm going and I know I'm working but I feel as though when I take a moment to look back and see all that I have accomplished, there's nothing there. It's as if I'm taking up a giant space of nothingness. I'm a void. When it comes down to it I just want to feel like I mattered. That this bag of bones was worth something to someone. I know I'm not going to change the world, that is too grand for me, but I would very much like to change a small part of it. For the better, I would hope.

Lovely little thoughts

A glimpse in the life

She's known as the good girl who does what she's told 

but inside she holds a seed of rebellion 

that has been planted in her heart and is waiting to grow.

I need to know

Can you hear it?

Please tell me you do because I need to know that someone can.

It's my heart. I know it's faint and I know it's fading, but it's still there. It may be bleeding out, but it's still beating.

I didn't always take care of it, I realize that, and now it may be too late, but I think it may last. If it can just hold me out a little longer I swear I will change. I will be tender and I will be kind. I will no longer wear my heart on my sleeve to be seen and used and abused. I will start doing my cardio workout and I will cut out all the fast food and sweets. I'll start taking care of my heart, I will. It just might take some time.

And while it may be hard to hear and feel, I know it's still there. But I need someone to tell me that they can hear it too. Because with each passing day I'm beginning to question it's existence.

Please tell me you can hear it. I need to know that I'm still alive.

The facts are these:

• One of my eyes squint when I smile
• I say "you know" way too much
• I should go out more, I'm a bit of a loner
• I'm okay with being a loner
• I say I like to run when really I haven't gone in months
• I like having my toenails painted but not my fingernails, I pick at them too much
• I like to think that I'm honest but lie more than I would like to admit
• I'm trying to be better, but I could do better
• I spend most of my time daydreaming
• I have a bunch of songs in different languages on my iPod. I don't know what they say, but I like how they sound.

Death, who kindly guides me

Take my hand, he said to me. You will be taken care of, he said to me. The path you are about to embark on is long and frightening, but I will guide you.

This is a beginning, I promise. I'll stay with you, I promise.

The road had started to curve and it was slick, I remember that much. But it doesn't really matter now.

I took his hand.

You should know that I was angry. If I had the strength I would have pulled him down and left him running. But he was kind and it was dark. It wouldn't be fair to take it out on him. It's not his fault, not really. And who knows what would await me if I didn't have him by my side. 

The trees are bending over and reaching out for me. The branches are whipping and scratching. My head is beginning to ache and my body is beginning to grow weak. I look to him and search his eyes. He smiles that sympathetic smile and squeezes my hand. And then I know. 

He was always there. Guiding, watching, waiting. The realization knocks at me and I turn his face towards mine. I am reflected through him and I see now that he really is lovely in a heartbreaking sort of way.

I'll keep my hand in his and his hand in mine and he will guide me and my feet will follow. And it will be enough. It always has been.

My advice to you

Here is my advice to you. 

Take it for what you will. 

Let it go. 

  

Whatever it is, leave it be. Don't care what they will say. Move on. Do what you must in order to live with yourself. Because in the end it is your mind, your thoughts, your regrets, your wishes, your hopes, your mistakes, and your disappointments that will keep you up at night. 

Soldier on

I've been listening for a long time. 
And you want to know what I found?

They lied.

I smiled all the while, for I had to keep up the show. I waited for them to notice. Did they? No. Was it fair? No.

The truth of the matter is that we all pretend everything is okay. Soldier on, soldier on. It'll be better tomorrow. Here's the question I pose: Will it?




I've been waiting for a long time and things still aren't what they said it would be. When will it get better exactly? I would like an exact date, please. Tomorrow? June 10, 2013? October 2, 2015?

Listen, I don't blame them. And I don't blame you. I'm just tired. I'm aching. I'm done. I lay awake at night and I wonder what awaits me. I try to push it back but it refuses to leave me. So the question remains, will it get better?

I choose to think yes, if only for the sake of getting through today. But I have a hope, burning deep down, flickering at times, yet constant.

That it will. It has to.

My head and my heart

I'm thinking about you. 

But please don't get the wrong idea. This isn't my choice. I'm trying to stop, but I can't. Maybe that's what you always wanted. To invade my mind so that I would no longer have the freedom to choose what it is I think about. It's you. It's always been you.

You see, I'm thinking about you like stars think about falling.
Like seasons think about changing.
Like time thinks about stopping.

I'm thinking about you like puzzles think about fitting. 
Like planets think about spinning.
Like sailors think about sailing.

I'm thinking about you like weeds think about growing. 
Like bees think about stinging.
Like poison thinks about spreading.

I need to stop this. 

I'm trying with my whole heart to stop thinking about you. The problem is that it's my heart that seems to be leading the charge to invade my mind with you. 

That little traitor.

I was told to always follow him, and obediently I did. Maybe he's been broken one too many times and is now malfunctioning. I'll go in tomorrow and trade him in for a new one. That will finally end this. And if this infection of you has spread through my veins into my brain, I'll have to see about getting a new one of those too.

I'm thinking about you. But not for much longer. No, not much longer.

I'm ashamed to admit this.

Sometimes I think about some sort of tragedy happening to me. Maybe I'm diagnosed with some terrible disease or get in a horrible car accident or maybe I'm kidnapped. It's not that I want these things to happen, not exactly. But I think if they did maybe then you'll notice. Maybe then, you'll care. Or not. Maybe you won't and I'll be left with a broken body and mind, still alone. Or dead. I think this will backfire. But I still can't help but play it out in my head.

Because I love you

Pause, if you will, and take a moment to think of me.

I know we hardly know each other, but what does that matter?

We may be strangers but I crave your love.

And I'm not talking about the love you reserve for your relative you see every few years or even that person you could once call your friend but now only have memories of. I want something that burns deep inside. I want your pulse to quicken at the thought of me. I want to be the one who can soothe and calm you. I want you to belong to me and I to you. I want to be your beginning and end. I want your very breath to depend on me. I want to know the darkest corners of your mind. In return you may lean on me, but only when I have the strength. I don't want us both to crumble. We're fragile enough.

I am nothing to you as you are nothing to me. Except that's not true.

Pause, and only think of me.

I chose this

I'm the kind of person who chooses to stand in the rain. I stand still and breathe it in. I feel the water coming down, soaking deep inside of me, hoping it will cleanse me.

I stand in the rain.

And I feel myself begin to rust.

Here we go.

This is an intro, a beginning, an opening. I'm here to invite you into my world, join me if you will.

A caution though: you may not like what you find.

Because to be honest, I live in a quiet sort of madness. I'm not as stable as I like to pretend. I don't always make sense and I often wander into places I don't understand. I walk on uneven ground and find myself skipping all the same. I live in confusion but I don't find myself caring. This is the sort of world I live in. Take it for what you will.

I offer my hand out to anyone who will grasp it. I beg, for your sake and mine, hold on. Hold tight. 

We're both going to need it.