I'm ashamed to admit this.

Sometimes I think about some sort of tragedy happening to me. Maybe I'm diagnosed with some terrible disease or get in a horrible car accident or maybe I'm kidnapped. It's not that I want these things to happen, not exactly. But I think if they did maybe then you'll notice. Maybe then, you'll care. Or not. Maybe you won't and I'll be left with a broken body and mind, still alone. Or dead. I think this will backfire. But I still can't help but play it out in my head.