I'm a void

Here's the thing.

I feel myself moving, but I don't find myself going anywhere. I know, it's a little cliche, but it's true. I'm surrounded by things and people and lists of things to do and I know I'm going and I know I'm working but I feel as though when I take a moment to look back and see all that I have accomplished, there's nothing there. It's as if I'm taking up a giant space of nothingness. I'm a void. When it comes down to it I just want to feel like I mattered. That this bag of bones was worth something to someone. I know I'm not going to change the world, that is too grand for me, but I would very much like to change a small part of it. For the better, I would hope.

Lovely little thoughts

A glimpse in the life

She's known as the good girl who does what she's told 

but inside she holds a seed of rebellion 

that has been planted in her heart and is waiting to grow.

I need to know

Can you hear it?

Please tell me you do because I need to know that someone can.

It's my heart. I know it's faint and I know it's fading, but it's still there. It may be bleeding out, but it's still beating.

I didn't always take care of it, I realize that, and now it may be too late, but I think it may last. If it can just hold me out a little longer I swear I will change. I will be tender and I will be kind. I will no longer wear my heart on my sleeve to be seen and used and abused. I will start doing my cardio workout and I will cut out all the fast food and sweets. I'll start taking care of my heart, I will. It just might take some time.

And while it may be hard to hear and feel, I know it's still there. But I need someone to tell me that they can hear it too. Because with each passing day I'm beginning to question it's existence.

Please tell me you can hear it. I need to know that I'm still alive.

The facts are these:

• One of my eyes squint when I smile
• I say "you know" way too much
• I should go out more, I'm a bit of a loner
• I'm okay with being a loner
• I say I like to run when really I haven't gone in months
• I like having my toenails painted but not my fingernails, I pick at them too much
• I like to think that I'm honest but lie more than I would like to admit
• I'm trying to be better, but I could do better
• I spend most of my time daydreaming
• I have a bunch of songs in different languages on my iPod. I don't know what they say, but I like how they sound.

Death, who kindly guides me

Take my hand, he said to me. You will be taken care of, he said to me. The path you are about to embark on is long and frightening, but I will guide you.

This is a beginning, I promise. I'll stay with you, I promise.

The road had started to curve and it was slick, I remember that much. But it doesn't really matter now.

I took his hand.

You should know that I was angry. If I had the strength I would have pulled him down and left him running. But he was kind and it was dark. It wouldn't be fair to take it out on him. It's not his fault, not really. And who knows what would await me if I didn't have him by my side. 

The trees are bending over and reaching out for me. The branches are whipping and scratching. My head is beginning to ache and my body is beginning to grow weak. I look to him and search his eyes. He smiles that sympathetic smile and squeezes my hand. And then I know. 

He was always there. Guiding, watching, waiting. The realization knocks at me and I turn his face towards mine. I am reflected through him and I see now that he really is lovely in a heartbreaking sort of way.

I'll keep my hand in his and his hand in mine and he will guide me and my feet will follow. And it will be enough. It always has been.

My advice to you

Here is my advice to you. 

Take it for what you will. 

Let it go. 

  

Whatever it is, leave it be. Don't care what they will say. Move on. Do what you must in order to live with yourself. Because in the end it is your mind, your thoughts, your regrets, your wishes, your hopes, your mistakes, and your disappointments that will keep you up at night.