I wish I could remember more

I remember the night you tried to teach me how to whistle. I never could quite get it right but my attempts made you smile. I really liked making you smile.

I remember when I first had Pop Rocks. Sitting on my best friend's driveway, imagining all the things we were going to do together. The possibilities were endless. But then we ran out of Pop Rocks and I went back home. We still talk once in a while, but it's not the same.

I remember the summer when my lips turned blue. We were playing with the hose and I got too cold. I still can't figure out how it happened but it was then that I decided I wasn't meant to play with the other kids.

I remember him trying to teach my how to catch. It was hot and all I wanted to do was retreat back into the house where the A/C was roaring. I wish I didn't give up so soon and complain so much. That could have been a fonder memory.

I remember when I still liked blowing dandelions. Thinking maybe my wish really would come true. And on all those birthdays. I don't remember all the moments, but I do remember the hope inside, that hope that things would really change this time.

I remember him and her and the girl I used to sit by in choir. The creek where we used to go to play, and I would say I wasn't afraid, but I was and you knew, so you grabbed my hand and said let's go to the park instead. I remember what he said to me the day before he had to leave. It was simple and I still hear it every day but I'm terrified one day I will no longer remember.

That lonely balloon

For lack of inspiration I bring you now pictures that once inspired me:

Instructions

How to pass through life unnoticed:

It's trickier than you might think. The trick is to be average at everything. Don't excel at anything and don't be a trouble maker. In both extremes you will find yourself receiving attention, whether positive or negative. Don't look depressed or overexcited, simply have a pleasant face. You must remain neutral at all times. Don't feel anything, or at least, don't let them know that you do.

How to fall in love with a stranger:

Easy. Pick someone you find attractive and create a world inside of your mind in which the two of you belong together.

A conclusion.

I have come to the conclusion that life is to remain a mystery and that I will never truly understand why things are the way they are. I tried for such a long time to find the answers to all my questions but I have found that this only ends in terrible headaches and frustrated sighs. Because here's the thing about life: we're not meant to understand everything. There are simply some things that we aren't meant to understand and that's part of what makes life so wonderful. There's a beauty in the mystery. Not to mention it would be terribly boring to know everything. I'm trying this new thing where I enjoy everything life throws at me, the good and the bad, and make the most out of it. It's sometimes a struggle and I still get headaches and sigh but I think it's going to be a change for the better. We'll see.

Thoughts

My mind is constantly moving and I find that I'm losing control. It is constantly running at a pace that I can't keep up with and it is starting to become a serious problem. 

I've tried all those calming techniques they say will help and are good for you but all that happens when I'm doing those deep breathing exercises is think about how silly this is and how I should go and do some actual exercise and then my mind goes from there in a never ending mess of thoughts.

My mind continues to wander and question and all I want it to do is take a moment of silence. I just need some quiet. I need a break. But I know I'll never be released from this constant cognitive firing. It's just who I am and any attempt I try to escape is a joke.

I'm not going to stop thinking about that lie you keep repeating, or the people I've lost. I still think about that dog down the street who used to bark and run along with me as I drove by. And I can't help but think of those quiet seemingly meaningless moments that I have found now define me.

My mind will never be silent. It will continue screaming in a silly sort of madness and I will continue to try and untangle the mess it leaves behind.

Pt. 2

There is a women, she can't be trusted. It does feel wrong, but amid the bad, you love her. There's a reason you keep doing this maddening dance.

I was more disposable, indulging constantly. The joy used up.

ten lines consisting of six words.

I just don't know, you know?

A nap sounds good right now.

I think that I love you.
    I was lying and didn't care.

Remember me as I was before.

          The stars keep whispering to me.

There's something you need to know.

             Where do you want to eat?

  It sounded like a good idea.

For what it's worth, I'm sorry.